At First

At first, having a new baby is painful. It is gross, expensive, exhausting, confusing, scary, and guilt-ridden. You love that baby more than anything in the world, but your brain keeps jumping to worst case scenarios, your eyes keep tearing up, your body is in literal pain, and you just want to sleep, for the love of God, please let me sleep.

At first, that precious baby who you could not wait to meet is all squished and funny looking. She does not recognize you, she does not smile unless she has gas, and she cries all the time. She vomits in your hair, thinks day is night and night is day, and screams on the rocker, the swing, the chair, the car, your lap, your chest, on walks, everywhere. And then there's the projectile poop.

At first, you feel like you just cannot do it. There is no possible way you can balance two children, two daycare tuition payments, two baths at night, two screaming kids at the same time. You just want to give up, and for the love of God, please let me sleep.

At first, you are up until 4am with a wide awake newborn, finally get her to sleep and are awoken at 6am by a 3 year-old ready for breakfast. You want to snap at them, hide under the covers, and sleep, for the love of God, please let me sleep.

At first, every molehill looks like a mountain. Your sanity is gone, your hands shake all day, your house is a frightful mess, and you look like a zombie. Simple things like taking a shower and doing the dishes seem to be just too much to handle. A tree falls on your car during a storm and you react as if your home has just blown up. Your toddler breaks your new camera and all you can do is sit on the floor and sob like a baby, not a mommy. Perspective is not on your side.

At first, you think it is all too much. You question everything and analyze even more. You drive yourself insane with worry, stress, and exhaustion.

But, it is only at first.

Any day now, at first will pass and life will resume. I can see glimmers of it on the horizon - distant, but there. We'll get there in one piece. It may not be pretty, but we will get there. At last.

In the meantime, I am going to stare at this precious face and pretend the gas smiles are for me.